Some nights it all comes rushing back. It fills me and I overflow with tears. Some nights I wish these memories could be gone forever.

It’s 11:17 on a Tuesday night. and I’m here crying. If you asked me why, I couldn’t tell you an answer. I have too much on my mine to give you a single one. It could be anything and most likely it’s everything. Everything in life always falls apart at some point. It’s funny how things happen isn’t it? Everything you thought would be never is while anything you never thought would be actually is. We build up little worlds we think are immune to the way of reality, but somehow things always crash down while we stand in the ashes. For me, it seems like it’s always the small things that hurt the worst when they come raining down. Why is that? Is it because people around you don’t understand how “big” the little things can be, so you don’t tell them? Is it because we pile up the little things until the pile is a little bigger than the big things? I couldn’t tell you…All I know is that arguing about the stupidest things with a best friend who you’ve had for over three years makes my heart break and makes me cry. I wonder if there is more than just that behind my tears. At this point who can tell what single thing causes these tears to roll?

I’m crazy and stupid. I love to have fun and be with friends.  I am smart and I work hard. I am a person that loves easily and hurts a lot. I am good at hiding things with a smile a a laugh. but do people really care to see beyond the fake smiles and laughs? No one knows how hard it is to get out of bed every morning when I have a reason every single day not to. A real reason that I could use to not get up and face the world. I could roll back over and sleep and not be blamed. But I don’y. Everyday I drag myself out of my bed. Every morning I have to talk myself out of just rolling over and not getting out of bed. I have done it for six years now, but no one can tell. I hide things well, and people never actually care to ask. You don’t know what I go through everyday, what I’ve been through in my past, and what I have to face in the future, but you don’t care to know because you’ve already passed judgement on me when you don’t even know any part of me. I simply ask that you don’t judge me before you actually know me. I don’t judge until I know a person, and even then it’s not my place to judge. You don’t know what a person goes through everyday so here is an idea….why don’t you just ask sincerely and listen to there story? It might make you see a person in a whole new light. That’s all i want from people.

I find myself pushing people away as soon as I start caring for them….boy did you mess me up….

Love isn’t something that changes. If you truly love a person it doesn’t change. If you can walk away from someone you “love” chances are that you never actually loved that person. Unfortunately i truly loved you, but you could walk away. I will always love you, even though i know you never have and never will love me the same way. My heart is yours. That doesn’t mean that if you come back for me that i’ll come running back to you. I always will love you but never again will i be yours. I’m not stupid enough to let you come back into my life and break my heart again and wreck my life. I’m sorry you had your chance, now i just need to move on……somehow…

How is it that you still cause me to lose sleep? i should be over you and moved on…..but i’m not. I want to hate you….but I care to much. Why can’t you just let me move on….you have, so why can’t I?

I don’t want to be the girl who is cute, adorable, beautiful, amazing, or babe to you one day then the next be nothing more. I don’t want to be the girl who you run to…..but only when you want something from me. I don’t want to be second best for you. I don’t want to be that girl who is always going to be there. I was that girl once to someone else. And that was all I had. I want to be your world so you can be mine. If I’m not yours, I’m only setting myself up for you to hurt me when another girl comes along. I’ve been there and done that and I won’t do it again. Its time to decide. Am I worth more than meaningless words or am I just that girl who you text?

The moment when a song brings you to tears because you’re overwhelmed by memories you don’t want to remember.